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Jul
23
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Yep, good old Amy Winehouse!
Well YES, I am going to rehab, even though I feel I can teach some of the classes there, since I’ve been to treatment so many times. My longest sobriety came from me wanting it more than anything I’d ever wanted in the world. And I did it on my own and for a couple years It lasted bountifully. Then I threw it all down the drain when I relapsed.
I am insane. In fact it was Albert Einstein who defined the word insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
Quicksand has one again surrounded me in all directions.
Anyone who has followed me knows that I am NOT a fan of Alcoholics Anonymous, However, there are parts of the Big Book that have really gotten to me and Bill W. was quite a man. My favorite quote of his is also my biggest dilemma.
“The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.”
It haunts me to think that I might have these thoughts 20 years from now. And I do believe that if a hell exists, it’s here on earth because I have been there, and am back there now.
A few weeks ago, I would have fought tooth and nail to not enter treatment again, but
my depression had worsened, and I lack the coping skills to deal with my alcoholism alone at this point.
My mission is to be sober again. That’s why I am choosing to go back to rehab. You learn something new everyday, and I don’t doubt I will during the course of the next four months I have disrupted my brain chemistry once more by choosing to drink again, and I know it takes time to heal that damage.
For me It’s time for peace, it’s time for reflection, and time to move forward to a higher quality of life. This will be my retreat. I know I am strong enough to fight. I have a thirst for returning to good health, and a desire to be free again. I will step into those treatment center doors a broken and wounded person, but I have ambition and confidence on my side, and I shall walk out of those doors flourishing.
Wish me luck, the only thing I am waiting on is an extension to my medical insurance to be able to pay for the long term care.
I will keep in touch until I leave.
“Just like moons and like suns, with the certainty of tides
Just like hopes springing high, still I’ll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like
Teardrops weakened by my soulful cries.
I rise. Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise. Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear.”
–Maya Angelou